Now I understand

I thought I understood
I thought I was empathetic
I believed myself compassionate
And justified in my judgement
When my friends from other countries
Didn't want to come
The Gospel is for everyone!
You know that you should be here!
Well I was surrounded by admirers,
Teaching in my native tongue
I judged my 'friends' for being distracted and disinterested, but I should have been more helpful instead
Now I sit here.
Deaf in a room of joy
Wanting to serve and give
But feeling like a useless lump that may or may not make people feel uncomfortable and evoke unwanted pity
So my job now is to smile and blend in
And the language strive to learn
So far behind am I
But I don't want to inconvenience them!



This is a very personal poem, written at a time when it became clear that these growing pains were for my good. I wrote this while sitting in a room full of people at church, who do love me a lot, but for the moment were involved in other things and I was left to feel sorry for myself. Oh how the Lord loves me to give me this lesson that I may learn and begin to understand how my friends at BYU-Hawaii felt. I say "friends" because I do not think I was being a fair enough friend to them, even though they were so kind to me. I was not patient enough when they began to lose interest in coming to church. Now I understand. These were people like me who had lots of leadership experience and opportunities in their home wards and who now are reduced to wall flowers. Oh how its becoming painfully clear. But I am grateful for the experience.