I feel like as I'm getting older, Heavenly Father is giving me a little less light to work with in these "step into the dark" situations. Of course He is always there, and is answering prayers I haven't even thought of, but He is most definitely giving me new chances to build faith. Back when I was getting geared up to go to college in Hawaii, it was all pretty much set in stone. I KNEW I wanted to go to BYU - Hawaii, and I prayed every night for it, and just had faith it would happen. I had been telling everyone my plans for ages, and they all just fell into place.
Mongolia was a shocker, kind of a real surprise. I got a TESOL department email looking for interns, and responded. I didn't have time to ponder, or think or decide. Turns out I wasn't even the first pick of interns, but some people fell through and I ended up going. I was indeed shocked because somehow I had got to believing that getting into Hawaii was kind of the big dream that was answered in my life, and I wasn't in line for any more.
Good decision making seems to be the theme of my twenties (well, trying to make good, and faithful decisions). I know it is the theme for everyone, but both President Wheelwright and Elder Bednar spoke about making inspired choices at my graduation...and my temporal and spiritual inboxes are inundated with options.
Hong Kong came as a very literal feeling in my chest when praying about it...a confirmation AFTER I had already gone forward with it. (Per Pres. Wheelwright's advice..to "jump on the train" and ask Heavenly Father to let you know if you need to get off).
Now? I've got a teaching license and a degree as the result of a world class education. I'm home to rest after some serious burn out. I don't mean burn out in a negative way, I don't mean I'm sick of the wonderful things happening in my life. Far from it! I just pulled a Bachelor of the Arts with a full-time double major, some full time/ part time working, an internship, and then full time student teaching in a little under 3 years. (The classtime was 2 1/2). Being educated in the most isolated island chain in the world meant I didn't get to see my family so often (but I've got friends who haven't seen their families in half a dozen years or more). Sooo, it's good to be home in the country with a zero-gravity chair on the back porch, a little money in my savings account, and mom's homemade cinnamon rolls.
But what's next?
Ya think I haven't thought of that?
:) You can blame Downton Abbey.
Here's the gist of things: Back in HK I realized I needed a job. I've got some student loans, and I do love the work I've set out to do. So I sat at my desk during a planning period and tried to figure out just what was available to me. Turns out, EVERYTHING. No kidding. I thought about what I liked, education, history, economics, science, literature, travel, anthropology.... it's like that bombardment that most kids feel freshman year of college, yet somehow I came out of college after pursuing my exact degree and realized I really could do whatever I wanted. I looked at grad schools. I considered joining the military as a chaplain ( I love religious studies). I looked at more grad schools, in Europe mostly. Then I started considering a mission for my church. In my faith, young men are strongly encouraged to go on missions, if not expected, at the age of 18. They serve for a period of 2 years as a full-time missionary engaged in service, proselyting, and various works of spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. Girls are always welcome to serve, though not as strongly urged to do so, and they can serve at the age of 19 for a period of 18 months.
A mission has kind of been a given for me for my whole life. Both my parents served, and it just seemed to kind of be part of the future, not to be moved. Then came the announcement. I was serving pancakes at a 6AM breakfast for my ward (congregation) at school, and the college-aged kids were all strewn out, mostly asleep across the floor of the classroom, drowsily listening to the proceedings of the live broadcast of the semi-annual General Conference of our church. This was Oct. 2012. I remember President Thomas S. Monson (whom we sustain to be the current prophet in modern days, and who is president of our church) began to speak, and the tone of the whole conference preceedings changed. Before he even said anything of changes, it seemed that everyone in the room began to stir and sit up. Then he said it. There I was, with my spatula in hand, feeling the import of what he just said.
"Brothers and sisters, I now turn to another matter—namely, missionary service.
For some time the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have allowed young men from certain countries to serve at the age of 18 when they are worthy, able, have graduated from high school, and have expressed a sincere desire to serve. This has been a country-specific policy and has allowed thousands of young men to serve honorable missions and also fulfill required military obligations and educational opportunities.
Our experience with these 18-year-old missionaries has been positive. Their mission presidents report that they are obedient, faithful, mature, and serve just as competently as do the older missionaries who serve in the same missions. Their faithfulness, obedience, and maturity have caused us to desire the same option of earlier missionary service for allyoung men, regardless of the country from which they come.
I am pleased to announce that effective immediately all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.
As we have prayerfully pondered the age at which young men may begin their missionary service, we have also given consideration to the age at which a young woman might serve. Today I am pleased to announce that able, worthy young women who have the desire to serve may be recommended for missionary service beginning at age 19, instead of age 21."
About six months before the announcement, I was so overwhelmed by the desire to leave to serve a mission that I was about to burst..and suddenly, I felt like it was really in front of me. But, where was the desire?
I got several dozen likes on a status I posted about meeting a random girl on the sidewalk following that meeting and asking her if she was going to serve a mission. I got a response to the equivalent of "DUH!!!" (not in a rude way, of course). My feed on FB has been intravenously saturated with mission calls or marriage proposals since (guys don't want their girls to leave, I guess! Just like the one guy who woke up after the announcement and yelled out "Now there aren't going to be any girls to date!")
I had just started working on my papers in September..but looking back, I realize I might have started as a sense of "this is what is expected of me, it's what I've been planning on..." instead of an outright desire to do it. Honestly, a sense of shame kinda accompanies that (Please refer to Dr. Brene Brown's definition of the difference between shame and guilt). I've since realized that there is NOTHING wrong with not having that desire, and it certainly doesn't mean I love God less, or don't enjoy serving His children and sharing His word with them. Sharing Him is such a part of what I feel to be my purpose in life that I can't NOT share Him when the opportunity seems right.
Back to my desk in Hong Kong. I added the mission to the list of possibilities to march forward with.
Within a week and a half, I received FIVE incredible job opportunities.
1) A friend really wanted to hire me to teach in Korea
2) A headhunter called me at school, wanting to hire me to sell English software and train university personnel and students in it's use
3) A member of my local church congregation called me offering a partnership in starting an English academy in Hong Kong
4) Some friends in Thailand wanted me to join them in starting a school
5)...the real killer. The school that I was student teaching at in HK..the one at which I fell in love with my students, offered me a 2 year contract. Staying in HK would offer me the chance to visit my friends all over Asia, to stay with a group of colleagues who I felt so connected to...just like family. This was the option that kind of knocked the other four out of consideration, because I had for so long wanted to stay at my school.
There were some other possibilities I had to wheedle down. I almost signed up to interview for a teaching job in Abu Dhabi, which was not only lucrative, but highly adventurous. I had also applied in my home school district for 3 teaching jobs, been contacted by more than a dozen private English schools in mainland China, and sent my CV to Dominica, in the Carribean for consideration there.
Windows started closing, but I didn't feel the hush of their breezes because I was suffocating under the decision of staying with "my kids" ... or going to serve a mission.
The best way I can describe it was like a little flashlight hitting me in the back of my head in prayer, telling me I would grow more on a mission. So, I made my choice, and it was wickedly hard to do. However, my wonderful principal wanted to stay in touch, and wanted to hire me after if all worked out :)
And thus we've reached the present time. I'm back at home, and in the grace of the green lushness of my back pasture view, I've got to make the choices that determine my next adventures. But, things have changed AGAIN!
While in HK, I found out that I've got some pretty significant thyroid issues. Since returning to America, I've been able to receive better care, but had to start from scratch due to the fact that none of the tests or medicine my HK doctors started me on really matched up to US standards. Another delay in the mission process (besides the fact that my department chair told me that I needed to continue with my student teaching and wait to submit papers until fall anyway).
In the meanwhile, I've applied to be a substitute at the local school districts, and am thoroughly enjoying the rest (hypothyroidism feels probably like mono quite a lot of the time). Prayers are always coming from my heart, wondering about what's next..what's next...
Mom's teaching me though. Never has one person more encouraged me to put faith in the Lord, and just relax and enjoy life as my Mama. So here's where the tone of this passage is about to change...cos' I want my heart to change. The last year or so has been so busy, and hurried, and worried, and somewhat wasted in the pursuit of perfectionism. (That's another entry for another time). Yes, I need to put hooks in the water, and keep fishing...but now I'm fishing with faith, instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The worrying was making me sick. As soon as I was able to let go... God started opening another door, and in prayer, I felt equally as if this was a good thing to do as the mission door I've been struggling to keep open out of a sense of duty.
Finally, that connection with the aforementioned Downton Abbey. (I REALLY DON'T USUALLY TAKE SUCH A LONG TANGENT AWAY FROM THE HOOK...sorry : P )
I've been watching Downton Abbey, and falling head over heels with the thought of Europe. Yes, I love Asia, and perhaps the Lord will have more for me there to do sometime, but to be honest to the me who knows I can conquer anything He sets before me...I'm not a big city girl. I can do fine in the city when I need to, I can live there, haggle there, navigate, speak enough foreign language bits to make friends, and enjoy the amusements and personalities...but if I had to choose, I really prefer the country. So how does this all wind together?
Actually, I can't figure it out. Somehow, a few days ago, I ended up Googling "au pair, Europe". And within the course of about half a week, I became registered with a few real agencies. I sent out letters to some European friends to ask if they knew of anyone who needed a nanny with a degree in education, and my friend from London pointed out I could make more money as a governess. (Doesn't that title just sound so Austen-delish?) One top governess agency said I didn't have enough experience (5 years as the sole care-taker of children), but I've got other situations that might work. The work of sending out applications into the web-world across the pond has made me realize that I've got to leave more to the Lord, because I really have little control beyond making sure my resume and cover letter are polished.
I see ads for rich and royal families looking for nannies to travel with them to the middle east and the Mediterranean, and my heart about bursts with yearning, and with the competition of negative thought that yells "Why should YOU get this? Who says you deserve that dream-come-true?!". Well, to put it bluntly to that negative prissy pot thought "God has already given me more than my dreams come true in the way of education and travel, so there!" (No, I don't hear voices, but when anyone is presented with the chance at a long-time dream, there are always those thoughts of 'too good to be true').
So, I'm waiting, and debating, and walking into the dark. For there seems to be a great deal of dark in this doorway, but still, something feels light, and feels right. It was the night before last that I was reading some ads of families in want of au pairs and I just started dancing with excitement. Mom pointed out, "I've never seen you this excited about serving a mission"..and I worried about my desire to serve God. She continued to explain that though it is my choice, had it really been the right time to serve, I would have been blessed with the desire to do so. She also reminded me that she too thought she was going to serve a mission at 21, and then had opportunities to work and travel, and went later, and that it certainly doesn't matter what other people think on the matter.
I've got an interview tomorrow afternoon with a family in the south of Austria, right near the Slovenia/Croatia/Italian border. They live on a ranch in the countryside. It may work out, it may not (Dad says I'm selling myself short by wanting to work as a nanny, when I should be helping classrooms full of children - I had to stick up for myself and say that I knew what I wanted to do, and I would never be selling myself short). I will approach it all carefully, and make sure everything is real and laid out and safe. But when it comes time to walk into the darkness, I know Who will be there at the sunrise. :)
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