Drawn or Driven?

Drawn or Driven?

It was pointed out to me, by my darling mother, that I am home to rest, and to re-coop, and to enjoy living for once. People have lives!

I informed her that potential employers do not like to see 'gaps' of time on resumes.

Mom pulled my nose up off the proverbial grindstone and asked me if I was happy here. (Here being home, and not having dozens of rods in the fire at one time as I did back in high school and college). Well, yeah...

I had asked her to help me figure out what I want to do in life...I'm drawn to so many things, but I just can't figure out what would be best. [And to think I was the know-it-all who used to give such beautiful life advice to friends...sheesh..did I really know what I was talking about? Or only in theory??]

Maybe this is why the Brits have a 'gap year'.

Honestly, I've burned out for the present time. Continually over committing myself out of a great sense of duty and if I can do it, then I should do it! makes me afraid of any obligations, like visiting teaching. I would volunteer for everything, saying no would mean I was unrighteous in some way. [No, I did not pull that from doctrine of course, but from this honorable, yet over zealous work ethic from my paternal lineage]. When I was in Hong Kong, I was ALL OVER the city, meeting up with missionaries, attending baptisms, wards, extra meetings, visiting, instead of resting (but in a tiny matchbox apartment shared by 4 gals, there wasn't room for 'resting', and jogging the same, lonely but beautiful trails with only my thoughts to keep me company; for though I liked meeting people, I was afraid of feeling obligated to jog with them every day and make more commitments.

And let's not talk about college so much right now...yes, I learned so much, and had many incredible learning and life experiences and made unforgettable friends, but the pressure I put on myself to do EVERYTHING was just painful. It wasn't until my last semester or two that I experimented with saying 'No' to requests to check friends' English papers in the middle of the night upon the recommendation of a friend..

But back to Mom's words.
Drawn, or driven. Driven or drawn. I asked what she meant.
Why not take the time and really learn to relax, and do explore things..possibilities for the future, but at night, let your subconscious work on it.

 I mentioned that doing creative things, where I can solve problems, really appeals to me. In the past, where I've had the same thing to expect at work the next day...be it chopping pineapples (though I did get to meet nice tourists), or sitting at a desk, I dreaded it!!

When you go to sleep at night, just think of a scene from a book, or create one for yourself, and act it out. I've done that for years....maybe write a story, or book, but I don't want you to feel I am driving you to anything!! - Mom

This almost crippling sense of duty to do what would serve the most people, what would fix the most problems in the world, set up my financial future the best, look the best, whatever, has for the most part blinded and deafened me to the call of whatever I really like to do. I haven't let myself be drawn to anything because I have erroneously assumed that anything I may want to do, probably should be sacrificed for something better. I guess a lot of times I've felt that, and maybe other people do too, that a dream or an aspiration is automatically wrong because we should pick the 'higher road', the 'harder road', so we can be humbled, and honored, and grow, and serve more people....sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. Reading this paragraph has made me realize just how twisted the adversary has made my perception of good vs. bad.

• Matthew 7:17

  17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

• 3 Nephi 14:17

  17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
  
  
  Would going a path that I love really bring forth evil fruit? I don't think so!! Not to mention, I wouldn't deliberately continue down a path if the Lord warned me that something was amiss, which I would trust He would do. And likely, there isn't ONE specific path, just like I don't believe that there is ONE soul-mate for everyone. 
  Maybe I've seen my Dad continually sacrifice what he loves and wants for what he thinks is better for others around him. I think he too may not allow himself to be joyful.  
  I was told by a dear friend (who happens to be a Christian psychologist ) that there is a fine line between humility and pride, and it's possible that one's efforts to be humble are in fact evidence of pride. I think that's exactly what I've been up to. I've been letting myself be driven by what I believe others will think is best for me and compounding that with giving up what I want in order to be sure that I am living that noble life of self-sacrifice. I've been burning the candle at both ends, and wrapping the whole thing with a fuse so it would burn even better. Now, I'm just tired. It's time to let go of being driven, and to pray, explore, and let myself be drawn to what really fascinates me. What have I loved to do in the past? Who do I need to talk to that has a job they love? What was I good at in college, but that I also actually liked? [At this point a LOT of credit needs to be given to my FABULOUS and INSPIRING professors at BYU-Hawaii who shared their genuine passion for their fields and helped spark keen interest in me in both my major and GE classes].
  
  
  Time for sleep, and to let that subconscious do it's work, while I rest up for tomorrow...and most importantly it's time to count the blessings I have been given that have carried me so very far in safety and in health, and to thank Him who allows me to worry about my future from the safe vantage point of home and family, and not from the point of fear, tragedy or emergency. 
  
  
  God bless :)